An Honest Press Release from Gavin Newsom (satire)

Governor Newsom convenes a special session of the Legislature to protect California’s oligarchy

SACRAMENTO – Governor Gavin Newsom issued a proclamation convening a special session of the California Legislature to safeguard and enhance the power of the one-party state, and the coalition of special interests it represents. In the face of an incoming Trump administration that intends to actually consider the interests of working families and small businesses, the special session will focus on bolstering California legal resources to protect reverse racism, late term abortions, high prices, and illegal migrants including gangbangers, rapists, and murderers.

This the first of several chest-beating performative actions by the Newsom Administration, in partnership with the Legislature, as the Governor begins shoring up California’s defenses against a federal administration that cares about normal, hard working, ordinary people.

“The prerogatives we hold dear in California – censorship, cronyism, dysfunction, bureaucratic hostility, profitable failure, lucrative subsidies for failed policies relating to energy, crime, homelessness, and public education, and more – are under attack, and we won’t sit idle. We are prepared to defend our corruption, and we will do everything necessary to ensure Californians continue to have failing government programs and crippling taxes and regulations.”
– Governor Gavin Newsom

“No matter what the incoming Administration has in store, California will keep moving backward,” said Attorney General Rob Bonta, “we stand ready to continue to trample the constitutional rights of all Californians, killing businesses we don’t like, and driving more families into bankruptcy. We’re working closely with the Governor, the public sector unions, and the corporate monopolists, all of whom share our commitment to acquiring absolute power.”

“Voters sent a clear message this election, and we need to ignore them completely,” said Speaker Robert Rivas (D-Hollister). “ We must continue our work to destroy California’s middle class and convince everyone who isn’t a straight, white, biological male that they are oppressed. We must continue to extract billions of dollars from small businesses and struggling households so that state and local bureaucrats, “non-profits,” and crony businesses can enrich themselves while squandering the money on preposterous schemes that we know are failures. I’m ready to fight harder than ever to protect and expand these scams, because that’s what my donors want.”

“We learned a lot about former President Trump in his first term — he’s willing to restore affordable energy, aggressively fight gangs and cartels, and deregulate business so people can afford to pay their bills again. We know that Trump will do what it takes to help American citizens no matter how costly these reforms may be to our corrupt donors,” said Senate President pro Tempore Mike McGuire (D-North Coast). “California’s bureaucrats and oligarchs have worked too hard to acquire absolute power to simply surrender and accept Trump’s plans to drain our swamp. This is why we’re moving with speed to commence endless lawfare. This is an important first step in protecting the flow of money and mandates that ruined this state for everyone who isn’t part of our small clique. We’ll be working with the Assembly and the Governor in the months ahead to ensure the oppression of all Californians remains firmly in place.”

SPECIAL SESSION

The special session responds to the public statements and proposals put forward by President-elect Trump and his advisors, and actions taken during his first term in office — an agenda that could preserve essential freedoms and individual rights, including the ability to make a living or run a small business without government subsidies, the right of a 20 week old fully formed, aware, feeling, living fetus to not get hacked to bits as a form of birth control, and the right of parents to not have activist teachers convince their children in secret to undergo chemical castration. A special session allows for expedited action that will best protect the interests of the opportunists and extremists that support our ruling coalition. The special session will begin December 2, when the Legislature convenes.

The Governor has outlined several urgent priorities to be defended in this special session by bolstering legal defenses against federal reforms. The Governor’s proclamation calls for legislation to provide additional resources to the California Department of Justice and other state entities to pursue robust affirmative litigation against any actions by the incoming Trump Administration, as well as defend against federal lawsuits aimed at undermining California’s tyranny and perfidy. The funding will support the ability to immediately file litigation and seek injunctive relief against  any federal actions that might improve the quality of life for all Californians.

This originally appeared in the California Globe.

Edward Ring

Edward Ring is a contributing editor and senior fellow with the California Policy Center, which he co-founded in 2013 and served as its first president. He is also a senior fellow with the Center for American Greatness, and a regular contributor to the California Globe. His work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Economist, Forbes, and other media outlets.

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